It’s Not Who You Know
Today I want to talk about something I’ve been thinking about for a long time: the aspects of relationship building that are truly important. In fact, I think they are the key differentiator in how successful you’re going to be at work, at home, and in life in general.
The common advice given here is “it’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” I think this advice has a fundamental flaw not the first part, but the second part. It’s not really who you know, it’s who knows you
To make this case more concrete: I know all the CEOs of MAANG. The problem is they don’t know me!. So knowing someone doesn’t do that much for you. What matters is what they think of you and what you’ve done for them.
The Problem with “What’s in It for Me?”
When it comes to relationships, we tend to get stuck in this mindset of asking ourselves: What am I getting? What am I getting from them?
The problem with this view is that you end up coming out as disingeneous, almost self-absorbed and transactional. It definitely does not help you out in the long term.
The other way of looking at it which could be considered moral but also has its own problems is focusing purely on giving. However, giving by itself is at some point going to end up in either burnout or resentment.
Understanding How Perception Works
To help you understand how we get to this position, it’s good to think about how the human mind works and what an ego is.
When you say “you,” you’re talking about a conceptualization of yourself what you think you are. Now, the key thing to remember is that what you think you are only exists in your head. This “you” exists only in your head.
In your mother’s head, for example, you are a completely different person. In your boss’s head, something entirely different. With your colleagues, and if you have a partner again, a completely different version.
Luigi Pirandello’s novel One, No One, and One Hundred Thousand illustrates this beautifully: you exist in a thousand different versions in a thousand different heads.
What This Means for Relationships
So what does this mean? If you want to influence that other “you” that exists in the person you have a relationship with whether that’s a manager or any other kind of relationship you want to influence that particular version of you in their head.
The question has now changed. It’s not:
- What do I want to give?
- What am I taking?
It’s what that person thinks you’re giving.
Now, you must understand that this signal is noisy, and you are a very small part of this person’s whole life. So you need to dramatically narrow down the items that you care about. For most people, it’s honestly going to be a maximum of three things. Even better is less even just one.
Making Your Signal Clear
You want to be clear that you know what you’re giving, and they know that’s what they’re getting.
An example: If you’re working extra hard putting in extra hours, taking on additional responsibilities your manager needs to actually see that signal. It’s not enough to just do the work; you need to make it visible. Send updates on what you’ve accomplished. Mention it in your 1-on-1s. The effort only counts if they perceive it.
If you think about it even more broadly, in my experience, one of the things I always say is: When you’re searching for a job, you need to understand what does that gap look like in that person’s head? When they’re searching for someone, what does that gap look like? And then you have to show how you fit into that gap. You have to send that kind of signal, and it needs to be very, very strong.
The Consequences of Misaligned Signals
This view on relationships has real consequences. Think about what I mentioned:
If you are giving but no one else is getting what you’re giving, then you’re going to end up with resentment. You’ll think about how unappreciative these people are, when maybe the signal you’re giving is just not registering in their head.
Or, if you are giving and giving and giving and the effort is not being properly understood, then they might just get the idea that you’re not putting in the requisite amount of effort.
Being Receptive Matters Too
Finally, it’s of course good for you as well to remain receptive and to be very thankful.
If there’s a particular way you like to be appreciated say, public recognition in team meetings you need to communicate that preference.
You might find that your manager thinks the best way to appreciate you is through formal reviews, or they might think that the promotion they gave you is enough. But if you actually want to hear it in a public session, then find ways to communicate that this is what resonates with you.
If instead that kind of attention makes you a bit wary, then again, find ways to communicate that.
Remember
It’s not just who you know. It’s who knows you. And even more importantly: what they know you for.