One of the things I’ve been thinking about for quite a while in organizational settings is how we actually know where we stand.
I was having a conversation with my daughter one day, asking her how everything was going at school. She gave me this fascinating response: “I don’t know. The teacher normally tells you how I’m doing, but they don’t tell me how I’m doing.”
That was quite an interesting statement. I could see how she’d think like that—for a long time, I used to think the same way. My strategy was simple: as long as I’m not getting any feedback from someone, that’s good enough.
But here’s what I’ve come to understand in working life: that’s a terrible strategy.
Why Silence Isn’t Golden
People are generally quite kind. Unless there’s a good reason, they won’t tell you bad news. What ends up happening is you develop a certain amount of strategic blindness—you actually don’t know what’s going on, where you have gaps, or what you need to improve.
Now, in large organizations like Meta where I used to work, it was easier to find out because of 360-degree feedback and a strong feedback culture. But even in those situations, most of the feedback you get tends to be overwhelmingly positive. That’s because people know these tools can be used during performance cycles.
Go Looking for the Negative Feedback
You might be wondering: why aim for the negative feedback?
The simple answer is this if there’s positive feedback to be had, that’s okay. That’s not dangerous. But if there’s someone who, for one reason or another, is starting to lose confidence in your ability, that’s really bad. And if you know it’s happening, you can course correct.
Here’s the thing about perception:
- It takes a long time to build
- It can be lost in moments
- Once set, it’s very, very hard to change
It takes years to build trust but moments to lose all of that trust. Something might be happening that you’re not aware of—maybe a certain habit you’ve picked up, how you write your comments, how you work with others, even your attitude toward work. If that’s happening, you need to know.
How to Actually Get Useful Feedback
One of the easiest ways is just to ask. But you need to make it as easy as possible for the other person to give you feedback.
If you just ask someone “How am I doing?” that’s hard for them. Where would they even start? Are you asking about how you are as a person? The default answer is going to be “You’re doing well.”
I’ve really grown to hate comments like “You’re nice” or “You’re a nice person.” Not only is it completely useless, but you leave that session feeling good without knowing why you’re doing well.
Be Specific
What you want to do: After a major project or initiative, go and ask for specific feedback.
For example, you might say:
- “We’ve just completed Project ABCD. I was trying to demonstrate behaviors X, Y, and Z. How did I do?”
- “I’ve been working on my communication skills to ensure I’m bringing all my stakeholders along. We just finished this project—how did I do on that goal?”
That’s very specific, and someone can tell you: “On this item you did well” or “On this item you didn’t do well.”
It’s absolutely fine if some people don’t tell you. Some people are just going to assume you’re trying to use this as a method of attacking them.
When Someone Gives You Feedback
Feedback is a gift. For most people, it’s difficult to tell you when things are going wrong—they’d rather be silent. If someone has gone out of their way, taken that risk, taken the time to observe what you’re doing, and given you feedback, honor that.
Don’t punish them for it. Don’t get angry or pissed or respond in a manner that punishes them for giving you that feedback. You want them to feel rewarded. You want them to feel like this was a good thing so that next time they can give you more feedback.
Cast a Wide Net
Try to get feedback from as many people as possible—you’ll get a better sense through diversity. It’s very easy to go to your friends and get nice positive feedback. After all, they’re your friends; they’re going to tell you nice things.
But you also want to talk to the person who’s harsh—though not only the harsh people, because they might not see all of you.
My Recommendation
Talk to basically everyone you work with closely once every quarter. Have some kind of conversation about how you’re doing, how you’re trending. They should be able to tell you something concrete.
The Long-Term Benefit
If you do this long enough, over time you’ll start getting to a point where you have a very strong sense of where you stand and where your blind spots are.
If your company has a formal performance program, it becomes very easy for you to know where you sit. If they don’t, you’re still in a good place because I believe in the value of continuous improvement, whether you’re being monitored or not.
A Final Note on Method
At this point, I’m exploring to see how feasible it is to possibly automate as much of this as possible. But I still think having a conversation with someone is the best way to collect feedback.
You see not just the words, but the facial expressions. Even if it’s a call, you get to hear their voice, their intonation. You can follow up on pauses—what does it mean when you gave an extra pause while giving me this feedback? All of that matters.